He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
