Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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