im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
