1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
