No awkward lesbian experiences without me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
