Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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