someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
