When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
