I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
