You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
