Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
