This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
