We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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