New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
