Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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