Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
