I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
