I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
