You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
