I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
