she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
