He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
