I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
