I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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