just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
