Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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