i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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