Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
