The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
