WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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