if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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