yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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