Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
