i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
