You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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