dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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