just come out here and I will go home with you...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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