shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
