Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
