At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
