I just pynch a tree in the face
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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