What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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