My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
