I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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