He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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