what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
