I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
