Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
