my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Randomize
