I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
