I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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