Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Blood and glitter go together right?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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