Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
