I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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