Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
