the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
