I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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