just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
